Friday, November 11, 2011

Top 5 Worst Kisses {Guest Post}

I wanted to give Virginia a big welcome here.  I'm so grateful that she took the time to write this post for the blog.  I hope you enjoy it as much as I did.  Now, here's Virginia:

Hello! I’m Virginia from the KissChronicles, which is part of a project. It’s a project to benefit a cancer-related charity and to get my first kiss accomplished in the process.

When I first talked to Brenda about the possibility of doing a Top 5 guest post for her, she suggested I do a post on the Top 5 Best Kisses. I decided to turn that idea on its head: I wanted to do a Top 5 Worst Kisses list. And here it is:

5. Potter fans might flay me alive for this, but I think the Harry/Cho kiss from the movie Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix was as awkward and cringe-worthy as it was supposed to be. It’s stiff, stilted, forced…which is, actually, just what the story required. (I’ve blogged about this scene on Kiss Chronicles previously, but it bears repeating.)

4. My #4 is a SPOILER for the original Planet of the Apes movie. At the end of the movie, George (human played by Charlton Heston) kisses Zira (ape played by Kim Hunter) in a moment that’s in a way sweet but at the same time befuddling. 

Are you feeling the same thing I’m feeling? It’s both touching and just plain odd. I’m good at suspending disbelief, but I find it impossible detach myself from the fact that Mr. Heston is kissing fake monkey lips that are made out of some sort of synthetic material. I wonder what that tasted like.

3. This is not a movie kiss. It’s a late-night talk show kiss. In 2008, Will Smith appeared on the David Letterman show, and the star and host exchanged a sort of puckery side-mouth kiss.

You can see a picture here of the Smith and Letterman Kiss.

The picture shows Will Smith with his lips puckered dramatically and his eyes closed like a bashful princess waiting for prince charming. I think, more than anything, it’s the fact that David Letterman is the prince charming that scrambles my synapses. 

BUT! Here’s the catch. Just looking at the picture, it’s pretty bad. If you watch a clip of the incident, it turns out to be a hilarious moment. I’d expect nothing less of Smith and Letterman. (Viewing the clip requires some web scrounging and willingness to subject yourself to unattractive ads, to which I didn’t necessarily want to link you lest you accuse me of burning your eyes.)

2. You know these kisses have to get progressively worse as they go along, right? This kiss isn’t just awkward or cringe-worthy. It’s downright bad. As I was searching for bad kisses, I found a mention of this scene from the movie Persuasion (SPOILER):

I admit that I haven’t seen the movie. This scene in no way convinces me that I should see it.

The first problem is that the camera gives us a close-up of the woman’s mouth, and the camera can’t help but catch every detail of the way excess saliva is forming around her lips. *shudder* The second problem is that as she starts to reach up for the kiss connection, her eyes start crossing. The third problem is that this tall man is in no way inclining properly to receive the kiss from this much-shorter woman. JERK! Meet her half way! Fourth and finally, do I need to mention that she approaches the kiss the way a chameleon walks along a branch? Forward, back, forward, back.

1. Please, please be careful clicking this link. This isn’t from a movie or from television: No movie or show could ever capture the reality of the worst possible kiss. However, Flickr can: 

EEEAAAUUUGGHHHH! Whenever I open that link, I can’t help staring at it in horror. Then I click away, and relief settles over me. A few moments later, I think to myself, “No, that kiss couldn’t have been as bad as I thought it was.” Then I click back to the picture, and it’s even worse.

Do you remember any bad kiss scenes that you wish you could forget? Purge them from your memory by leaving them in the comments! And if you have any real-life kiss stories (good, bad, first, last, funny, sad), I’m always looking for new ones to post on my blog, so please send them to kisschronicles [@] (I can post stories anonymously.)

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