Monday, August 29, 2011

The Saddest 36 hours of my Life

On December 19th, 2001, I knew something was wrong.  I had my husband call the local doctor and he told me to get to the States as fast as I could.  I was in Canada, living with my husband, and I am an American with insurance that was not accepted in Canada.

We got into the car about 8:30pm, my step-daughter was with her Mom, and we raced the 3.5 hours to where my parents lived in Western New York State.  I was dropped off at the Emergency Room and my husband said he was too tired to stay with me.  I was too tired and emotionally drained to ask him to stay with me, but was so scared! I was pregnant and there were signs I was losing the baby.  There was some discharge mixed with some blood and some pains that I had not felt before. 

The blood work came back saying that I was 6 weeks along.  WHAT?!  I knew that I was at least 10-14 weeks along.  They checked for a heartbeat and there was none.  I never got to hear the heartbeat of the baby inside of me.

They did an ultrasound and there was no sign of life.  I was told to make an appointment with my doctor for a check-up so she could better explain what was happening.

My appointment was December 21st sometime in the afternoon.  I woke up December 21st still praying that somehow the life in me would survive this ordeal and I would be able to hold my baby several months down the line.

I went into the bathroom and there was blood everywhere.  I screamed for my husband and he did not come.  I screamed some more and he did not come.  I got off the toilet with blood streaming down my legs.  I found him, I found an overnight maxi pad, and he called the doctor.  They told me to go in, I went to the counter and told them who I was and that I was bleeding horribly and they had me sit.

I went into the waiting room and sat on the table.  I apologized for the blood everywhere... I don't know to this day why I apologized.

I was told I needed a trans-vaginal ultrasound to try to find out about the fetus.  As I walked down the hall to the ultrasound room all I could think was that all that blood was what used to be the life inside of me.  The thought made me sick, I went pale, and they asked if I was all right.  I did not answer, I did not know how to answer.

The news came that I had miscarried the baby and I was losing too much blood.  An emergency D and C surgery had to be done and I was given a diaper to go to the ER room in.  They told me I would have to drive, register, and the surgery would be fast.  My husband drove, he registered me, and I remained silent.  I was sitting in a diaper, a real, human baby diaper because that is all that the doctor had and it was ultra absorbent. 

The D and C happened, I woke up, and my Mom was there!  I was so thankful to see my Mom.  She cried and told me how sorry she was.  My husband did not say anything; to this day I know I did not explain what I had been told at the emergency room in a coherent way and he was just confused.

I got home later that day and through tears told my family that I would not be having a baby.

I went back to Canada to get my step-daughter the next day and I told her that she would not be having a baby brother or sister.  I told her that I loved her and someday she may be a big sister.

I eventually healed physically and mentally.

I feel pain when I am excluded from mommy things because I am not a mommy.  I feel sad when the only due date that I was given comes around.  I feel extreme happiness when I get to cuddle with my nieces and nephews!

Some people may ask why I am telling this story.  I am telling it so others may realize that a miscarriage is not a secret... it is okay to talk about pain! 
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